


Who We Are and Who We Fear We Could Be

by LittleLavenderHurricanes



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Bonding, F/M, Getting Together, Hijinks & Shenanigans, M/M, Road Trips, post second book ish, the gangseys back at it again with the glendower hunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-26
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23335426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleLavenderHurricanes/pseuds/LittleLavenderHurricanes
Summary: In their search for Glendower, the gangsey find themselves headed on a road trip. They set off hoping for clues to the sleeping king's whereabouts but may find more than they bargained for.
Relationships: Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Who We Are and Who We Fear We Could Be

**Author's Note:**

> Here's something for you to read while in quarantine. Enjoy and let me know what you think :)

Chapter One

Ronan and Gansey sat in silence with the weight of sleeplessness between them. Monmouth Manufacturing smelled the way it always did during the late hours of the night, like Elmer’s glue and chewed mint leaves stirred by Gansey’s restlessness. He was laying the road leading from his miniature Nino’s, made out of a Poptart box, all the way to 300 Fox Way, which was assembled from various plastic pieces and colorful papers. It wasn’t a perfect replica but the eclectic appearance of the miniature house certainly matched the eccentricity of the women who lived there.

As Gansey waited for the glue to dry, he cut a glance to where Ronan rested a few feet from him, his back against the wall and his head tilted back. He could have been dreaming, with the way his eyes were closed, but Gansey knew he was awake by the way he softly stroked Chainsaw’s feathers as she slept in his lap, her head tucked under her wing. They had spent the last few nights like this, with Ronan refusing to sleep and Gansey unable to.   
He was reaching for another panel of cardboard when his cell phone began to ring, the blue screen lighting up the dark room and vibrating against the cement floor.  
Blue.

Gansey scrambled up from where he was seated, already planning an excuse to give to Ronan as to why Blue was calling him at two in the morning––but when he finally glanced at the screen, he didn’t see her name. Instead, the caller ID insisted that it was Roger Malory. Gansey tried to shake off his disappointment as he slid into his cheerful and polite manner.

“Hello Professor,” he said. “To what do I owe this pleasure?” 

Ronan cracked open an eye to glare at him. Gansey took the hint and made his way quietly to his room and shut the door, lest he wake the sleeping raven. He sat cross legged on his bed as Malory’s voice crackled through the speaker. The two exchanged pleasantries, catching up as Gansey waited to hear the reason for the call. It took about ten minutes but the old scholar managed to make his way to the point.

“Well, you see, my boy, I found something I believe you might find interesting on your hunt for your sleeping king.”

Gansey sat up and grabbed his journal from where it rested on his bedside table, uncapping his pen as Malory spoke.

“It was at a lecture in Brightington, you see- my first mistake! Nothing good has ever come of that backwater wash, including my neighbor, James, the bloody bastard. He’s trying to poison me, you know. Caught him digging around our shared fence just the other week-”

“Professor,” Gansey cut in as politely as he could manage for three in the morning. “You said you had found something.”

“I did indeed! I was at the lecture and nearly fell asleep until the speaker said something that caught my interest, he did-” Malory broke off into a rattling wheeze before continuing. “Excuse me, my dear boy. The doctor says it’s leftover from the bronchitis but I know better. They’re after me just the same as any poor sap that walks through those hospital doors. Have I told you how the British healthcare system tried to murder my mother, the bastards...”

Gansey sighed quietly and resigned himself to the lecture the old professor was about to deliver. Sometimes it was just better to let him run his course rather than try to steer him in any one direction. Gansey thumbed through his journal to his most recent additions. Along with a glued-in newspaper clipping of what seemed to be an article about the Northern Lights appearing over a field in Ohio, there was a pressed flower and some notes scribbled in the margins. The blossom belonged to a strangler fig, a parasite plant that grows on other trees and steals their nutrients. He couldn’t remember why he had reasoned putting it in his journal at the moment, but now in the early hours of the morning, when he was being honest with himself, he admitted he had picked it because he thought it would have been something Blue would have liked. He had been planning on showing it to her for a while, but between Ronan, Adam, and Noah, there was never a spare moment for a private conversation.

“ -Just so happened to mention that Madoc fellow we had been talking about the week prior.” Gansey tuned in to Malory’s ramblings just in time to catch the mention. He sat up straight and pushed his glasses back up on his nose.

“Madoc? Are you sure?” 

“Quite certain. Though I only realized it was him when they started talking about a Welsh explorer who had reached the Americas long before that Columbus fellow. Those bloody Spaniards-”

“Yes, yes,” Gansey cut in. “What did the lecturer say?”

“Well it was mostly what you said during our conversation. Madoc was a Welsh explorer fleeing familial troubles —though aren’t we all— and came upon a “western country” in 1170, years before the Spanish. He then made his way up the rivers and creeks to establish a fort in modern day Ohio.”

Gansey nodded, as everything the professor said sounded familiar. The fort was called the Devil's Backbone, named for a rock formation in the middle of a creek, and was often a site of paranormal hysteria. There were numerous reports of beasts with red eyes and people going missing. Though both phenomena could likely be attributed to tourists who were unaware of the vast cave systems that ran under the surface, as well as to tourists who had never seen a moose or bear at night.  
“What was interesting about the lecture was that they found his landing point.”

Gansey flipped to his notes on Madoc and began swiftly writing in the margins. “Where?” He demanded.

“Well that’s the best thing about it. He landed in Virginia, the same place your Glendower might have landed.”

Gansey’s hand stilled as his mind reeled. He felt his heart pick up its pace. If Madoc and Glendower’s ships both landed at the same point, that meant that they were both travelling along the same ley line. Perhaps Madoc’s fort was the intended final resting place for Glendower but he and his men never made it that far. It would make sense. A Welsh fortress on a ley line as protection for the Welsh king’s final resting place.

Gansey was so wrapped up in his thoughts he hardly realized the old professor was still talking. He thanked Malory profusely and promised to speak with him later after he had read the documents Malory would send him. 

After they hung up, Gansey fell back against his bed, breathing deeply to calm himself. He could feel Glendower calling him. Always calling. Still waiting.   
Close, Gansey told himself. I’m getting close. 

It took him until well past sunrise. He had read through the documents. He paced up and down the roads of his miniature Henrietta. He read the documents over twice more and opened his well-loved atlas to trace the path of the ley line from Wales to Henrietta to the Devil’s Backbone. His finger was making its way over the Atlantic Ocean when he heard Ronan stirring and opening the fridge. Gansey quickly gathered his journal and printed photocopies and strode into the kitchen/bathroom/laundry room.

“Lynch.” Gansey said in greeting, leaning against the washing machine. “I’ve found something.”

“Was it the stick up your ass?” Ronan smiled at him, all ire and salt as he kicked the fridge closed with his foot. 

Chainsaw began cawing and nipping at Ronan’s ear from where she sat perched on his shoulder when she realized breakfast was coming. As Ronan opened the container of worms she began flapping her wings in anticipation, batting her dreamer’s head.

“Jesus, fuck, calm down.” Ronan swore, trying to guide Chainsaw to the counter so he could feed her properly.

“Lynch,” Gansey repeated. “What do you know about dead Welsh explorers?”

Ronan, sensing Gansey’s tone, un-soured his voice. “Nothing except for what you’re about to tell me.”

Gansey put his thumb against his lips and nodded. “We’ll need the others for this. I’m calling Adam and Jane.”

***  
“I bet you could clear it,” Ronan said, surveying the three cars lined up in Nino’s parking lot. “I could build up enough speed on the BMW. If you jump at just the right time...” He made a whistling sound while moving his hand in a gliding motion. “You would soar like a motherfucking eagle .”

Noah grinned at him and stretched his arms out like bird wings. “Caw, caw.”

Unfortunately, they didn’t have the BMW. The three of them had driven from Monmouth in the Pig, which meant there was no way in hell Ronan would be allowed to drive Gansey’s one true love at top speed toward parked vehicles only to slam on the brakes in the hope that Noah would go flying from the top of the car.   
They were waiting in the parking lot for Adam to meet up with them after his work shift at the autoparts store. Gansey’s day was spent pacing Monmouth with an electricity that only possessed him when he was focused on Glendower. Ronan had spent many hours listening to Gansey’s ramblings and dozing off, snatching himself from sleep every time he felt himself slipping into a dream. It had been weeks but memories of white sunglasses and a crooked smile still plagued him, even though he knew their owner was gone.

Gansey was the first to spot Adam, glancing up from his notes to give a brilliant smile to the fatigued figure walking his bike toward the group.

“Sorry I’m late,” Adam said by way of greeting as he opened up his bike’s rusted kickstand. “My watch broke.”

Ronan’s eyes immediately dropped to his left wrist, now bare with a pale strip of skin showing where his digital timepiece used to lie. 

“Not a problem,” Gansey said easily, closing his journal and pocketing it. “Shall we?”

Nino’s was a creature of habit in that once you walked in, it loved to always greet you with the smell of garlic and the cacophony of friends and family all shouting to be heard over each other. As when going anywhere in Henrietta, Ronan could feel the eyes of others watching him. Parents taking in his shaved head and narrow eyes. Public highschool kids taking in his careless posture and disheveled Aglionby uniform. Ronan squared his shoulders and jerked his chin up, signaling to anyone who looked that he was a little too ready for a fight. It wouldn’t matter though. No one here would actually confront him. They would just sit in their booths and judge him from afar. Knowing this made him itch to be anywhere else but here. Cowards.

“Y’all here for Blue, right?” The hostess asked when they arrived at her stand.

Adam pretended not to notice Gansey visibly perk up at the mention of Blue’s name. Ronan pretended not to notice Adam pretending not to notice. The hostess pretended not to notice Noah stealing handfuls of peppermints out of the glass dish on the hostess stand, and Noah only really noticed that he could fit around twenty candies in his pockets, if he was strategic about it.

Gansey had barely nodded at the hostess before she rolled her eyes and waved them towards their usual booth in the back, promising to tell Blue they were here. Ronan chewed the leather bands around his wrists as Adam slid in the booth next to him, smelling of gasoline and wiper fluid, the freckles on his cheeks looking more like speckles of Henrietta dirt rather than sun-kissed marks. Ronan bit down harder on his leather bands.

“Noah,” Blue’s sigh drew Ronan’s attention as she slid him a menu he wasn’t going to read. “Did you have to steal all the mints?”

Noah grinned at her around his mouthful of candy. He held up seven fingers, to signal how many mints were in his mouth and began to unwrap another one.

Blue rolled her eyes and then caught a glance of Gansey. “You have your Glendower face on.”

Gansey raised an eyebrow, “I have a face?”

“Yes, you do and you’re wearing it right now. What did you find?” 

Gansey seemed to glow as he pulled out his journal and flipped to his notes. Adam leaned forward from where he was sitting diagonal from Gansey to hear him better. Underneath the sweat and oil, Ronan could smell something else. 

Cabeswater.

Adam smelled like Cabeswater, like trees and rivers and sunlight. It was in his eyes after all. It was in his hands.

Gansey talked about the Welsh explorer Madoc and the Devil’s Backbone fortress, with Blue and Adam as the perfect audience. 

“If you don’t think Glendower is buried in the fortress, what do you think you’ll find?” Blue asked.

“Excellent question, Jane,” Gansey said. “I have no idea. But it seems worth exploring.”

A choking noise drew everyone’s attention to Noah as he scrambled to snatch up a napkin and proceeded to hack up his mouthful of mints in one giant glob of red-and-white stickiness. He spit on them for good measure and then smiled proudly at the table. “Fourteen!”

“I’m not cleaning that up,” Blue said immediately.

Adam rubbed his left wrist where his watch used to be, as if he missed the weight of it. “The Devil’s Backbone is all the way in Ohio. Are you saying we road trip?”

“Yes,” Gansey said without hesitation. “The drive is about seven hours. We could leave tomorrow, spend a day there, and then come back. What do you say?”

Ronan watched the conflict flicker across Adam’s face. It was important to Gansey that Adam be there. It was important to Adam that Gansey wanted him there. Ronan could see the profit-loss calculations begin in his mind, but as quickly as they began Adam shook his head. “I’ll move some shifts around. I’ll be there.”

Gansey beamed. “Excellent. Jane?”

Blue chewed on her lip before shrugging in agreement. Gansey looked at Ronan, who nodded once. It would be a cold day in hell before Ronan easily left Gansey’s side.

“Excelsior.”

***  
When Blue’s shift ended, they all agreed to drop her off at 300 Fox Way, saving her the walk home. At 11:00, Blue hung up her apron and dashed out the doors to where the boys were trying to shove Adam’s bicycle into the back of the Pig. Ronan slammed the trunk shut causing both Adam and Gansey to shout, “Lynch!”

“Don’t break my car!”

“Don’t break my bike!”

Ronan rolled his eyes, gave them the finger, and climbed into the shotgun seat.

“Excellent timing, Jane,” Gansey said as Blue caught up to them. “Let’s go see the wise women of your family.”

The drive was short but Blue was silently thankful. After being on her feet all day she could fully feel the ache in her legs that she had been unsuccessfully trying to ignore for the last half of her shift. She leaned past Noah to roll down the window and let the summer wind blow against her face. She closed her eyes and just listened. The Pig grumbled underneath her and music played from the radio, turned down so quiet it sounded more like a suggestion of a song rather than the real thing. She could hear Adam and Ronan speaking softly but their words were hard to catch and she didn’t try.

The Pig rolled up the driveway, crunching gravel and Gansey cut the engine.

“I don’t know who will be awake, but someone usually waits up for me,” Blue said as she slid out of the car after Noah. Her four boys trailed behind her as she made her way into the house. Some of the rooms were shut and dark, meaning their occupants were asleep; however, others were opened, the smell of incense wafting through the air and the soft light of candles throwing shadows against the walls. When they got to the living room, they found just Calla awake, shuffling a tarot deck with practiced hands. 

“Well would you look at that. It’s Blue and her boys,” Calla said without pausing her manipulation of the cards. “You know, three ravens is an omen of death.”

“Actually there’s four of us,” Gansey said, pointing over his shoulder at Noah who was trying to touch a candle flame on a shelf. He seemed nearly translucent, as if he too were a shadow cast by the light. The mark on his cheekbone now seemed less like a smudge and more like a crater. Blue watched him. In all the soft noises of the car, the only thing she didn’t hear was the sound of Noah’s breathing. His chest rose and fell, drawing no breath but still going through the motions of being alive.

Calla raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure including a dead raven boy in your count really bolsters your case.”

Noah looked up at the word “dead” and seemed unsure of whether or not to be offended. Before Noah could decide, Blue stepped forward. 

“We actually have a question. We are planning on going to this place-”

“I know where you’re going.” Calla interrupted. She spread out the cards and snatched one up. Calla didn’t even look at it before showing it to them. “And you shouldn’t go.”

Blue stared at The Devil card facing them. Calla’s deck had always been lush and oversaturated with detail, but now the card didn’t just look real, it felt real too. The Devil’s goat horns seemed to gleam in the light as its red eyes bored into her. It had seen her. It knew her name. The Devil was inescapable. That’s what the woman who came to the house three years ago had said. She was in tears as she spoke, looking as if she hadn’t slept in days with her eyes darting to all the dark corners of the room. Her hands were clutching her skirt as she told the psychics that she had made a mistake. She was visiting her cousin out West when she went exploring in an old forest and got turned around, her compass choosing that moment to go haywire and abandon her. When she came across a river, she wanted to cross it but there was a small sign warning her not to. The woman had been walking for hours and just wanted to get home so she ignored the sign. The moment she got halfway she knew she had made a terrible mistake. She felt a shadow pass over her and the river started rushing and churning underneath her. She swore she saw a face in the crashing waves: a man with piercing eyes and goat horns, mouth opened wide in a snarl. The woman ran home but she knew the shadow on the bridge hadn’t left her. She could feel it stalking her, watching her wherever she went. 

After the woman’s reading, Blue was sent from the room. Later, she found Maura, Calla, and Persephone all gathered around the small kitchen table, faces ashen. When she asked about the woman, Maura locked eyes with her and told her to never speak of it again. It wasn’t the sternness in Maura’s voice that made Blue comply. It was something hidden underneath: fear. Blue never brought up the woman and she never found out what happened to her.

Blue shook her head, trying to rid herself of the crawling feeling on the back of her neck. She could smell mugwort burning, an herb famous for its delirium-inducing effects. Sometimes Blue hated when Jimi decided to cleanse the house. Clearly the incense was getting to her.

Blue could tell by Ronan’s sneer that he thought Calla’s card was just another parlor trick. “Clever,” he said. “But we want actual information.”

Calla shrugged and set the card down. “I don’t have actual information. I have no idea what you’ll find there but I have a bad feeling about it.”

Gansey placed his thumb against his lips in thought. “But you have a feeling about it. Is it because it's on the ley line? Can you feel energy there?”

“Yes, there’s definitely something there. Strong energy, and lots of it. Long distance place readings aren’t my specialty. But when I did a reading earlier, I drew the same card as just now. The Devil isn’t an inherently bad card. It represents a balance of all things including our inner selves. There is our darker self which is all our worst impulses and desires. It is our fears that controls us and prevents us from being our best. The Devil creates illusions to make us believe that we cannot be free from these fears and impulses. Yet drawing the card may be a sign that you will triumph over him.” Calla traced her fingers over the card’s lettering. “It is a partner card to the Lovers. Both cards speak to duality and choices, but The Devil is the choice between who we are and who we fear we could become.”

The group exchanged glances. Ronan was looking pointedly away while Adam stared at the floor. Blue didn’t pretend to know exactly what he was thinking, but the faraway look in his eyes made her believe he was thinking of Robert Parish. The fear of who he was and who he could become.

Blue slid over to him and placed a gentle hand on his arm. He blinked quickly and looked at her, giving Blue a tight smile. Blue squeezed his arm and dropped her hand, lest Adam believe she was pitying him. She directed her question at Calla. “Are you saying I’m not allowed to go?”

Calla sat back. “Of course not. I have a feeling you’d go no matter what I approved. All I’m saying is that you need to be careful and keep your wits about you. Don’t lose sight of who you are and don’t be tricked into thinking you’re something that you aren’t.”

Blue glanced toward Gansey, as did Ronan, Adam, and Noah. They were all waiting for him to make the final call.

His brow was furrowed thoughtfully. “I feel like this is an important step we need to take in finding Glendower, but the last thing I want to do is put any of you in danger. Now that we know the risks, I understand if any of you want to back out.”

The room was quiet for a moment before Adam finally spoke up. “We’re with you Gansey. We always are.”


End file.
